But I wanna

We often talk of surrendering our will to our Savior's and making sure we are where we are supposed to be.  We can fill Bible study after Bible study with witty quips and scriptures intending to teach us how to lay it all down.  And while all of this is well and good at the end of the day it is a simple statement that must be addressed...."But I want to...."

The other day I had a sad moment with my kids.  After being instructed to complete a task they, yet again, chose to play, giggle and disobey.  We sat down for a "pow wow" discussion on where they were going wrong and how we could fix this problem.  We talked and talked about obedience, showing love, being examples, consequences and on and on, I was not the only one talking either.  My sweet middle child became very upset with himself and said I should take his DS and crush it(all with tears in his eyes).  My eldest rolled his eyes, said the other was over-reacting(which he usually does) and said I should have some sort of punishment if I catch them disobeying and the youngest of the family...well, she didn't really know what to think. :)

When we were done, no solution was on the horizon and the task they did not complete hours earlier also was not done.  I asked that they each think and pray on what Jesus wanted them to do now, as the youngest and oldest wanted to go back to what they were doing.  All three took a moment and individually said they should be cleaning.  I was pleased.  Then came the hard part.  My oldest said "But I want to finish my typing."  I asked what was it he said he should be doing and again he said he should be cleaning.  But again he stated "but I want to do typing instead."  Oh how my heart ached.  I knew I could not make this decision for him, I could not answer the question his heart was asking, he had to come to the conclusion and make the decision for himself.  The question was "will I surrender my will to Him?"  There was nothing actually wrong with wanting to type, it's part of his curriculum.  I could have been pleased he wanted to do something he has struggled with recently.  I will tell you, he struggled with this decision before him.  He sat and pouted(really only pouting to himself) and talked his way through it all.  He can be stubborn and very strong willed and I honestly did not know what he would choose.  In the end, he decided to clean and be obedient to Christ, much more important than any lesson I could have taught. 

This left me wondering, how often do I say to my Savior "but I want to (fill in the blank)"  I know what He wants for me, but under the guise of "it's just the way I am" or "I just couldn't say no" or "I was totally stressed out" or "I am just moody today, I can't help it"(I just stepped on my own toes, ow!) or.....you get the point, under one of these lies I do not choose to obey.  I do not chose to sacrifice.  It's not the big sacrifices that can be the only things that trip us up but the little ones meant to define our character that can also cause ourselves(or someone else) to stumble.  I am more aware of the thoughts of my heart these days.  I am more aware of the struggle I have allowed myself to fall in and praise Jesus I am more aware of the power of His name to release me from all these things.  I am free to give up the "I wants" for whatever He has for me.  Whether is it putting someones groceries away for them during a rainy trip to the store or taking another deep breath in dealing with the people around me(not only in my home but in my life) or in simply being still and listening for Him....I choose to say "Not my wants and desires Lord but Yours alone."

"But I want"  three words that can have a detrimental affect on our relationship with Christ.  What will you do with them.....

Humility as a parent

A week or so ago we were having a day....you know the kind.  The one that starts off ok but quickly swirls into some sort of mess that doesn't even remotely resemble what you thought would be going on.  Parenting is hard enough on it's own, homeschooling makes it a tad more constant :)  There are the constant teachable moments, the constant smiles, the constant whining, the constant complaining, the constant growing....
This day the issues started with my eldest child.  A sweet boy who longs to please on most days he decided this day to push instead.  It seemed like everything we did was a struggle.  It seemed like every word he said was unkind, either to his siblings or myself.  He really wants to have responsibility, he wants his siblings to listen to him, he wants to be in charge.  Unfortunately when said siblings do not listen, do not care and do not pay him any attention, the results are usually dismal.  There is weeping, yelling, anger...all sorts of things.My husband and I were not seeing eye to eye this afternoon time either.  Yuck, yuck, yuck. 
Fast forward a few days.  The kids and I were getting in the car to go somewhere(the library I think).  I asked them to stop repeating a part of a joke they had heard(this was the 4th time in 4 minutes I had to hear it).  The boys both said ok and then both within moments had gone on to finish the joke yet again.  Uggg, my heart was hurt.  In both instances I was super super angry.  How could they?  How could they be so selfish, so self centered as to not care a bit?!!?!?!?

In these times of heartache, the Lord uses them to benefit me.  Yep, you would think it would be some great instruction for the kids but no it's for me.  The first time, He spoke with me on the way to walk off my frustrations and during that walk too.  The second was in the car while talking with the boys.  You see I hadn't been as consistant in my personal walk with Christ.  Through my kids I saw a very ugly picture....it was a picture of my own life.  I really want to handle my responsibilities well, I really want my kids to listen and obey, I really....well you get the picture.  The result is the same- weeping, yelling, anger...all mine.  Why do I push my Savior?  Why do I seek my own self serving way?  Why do I keep going after I know He has said stop, be still?  My kids are looking rather angelic now!   You see, they are kids.  They are learning, they are growing, they are still figuring out how to walk with Christ on their own.  I, on the other hand, am not a kid.  Yep, I have that childlike faith but I have moved past the spiritual "milk" and into the "meat" section, all praise and thanks to Jesus.  How easy it is to be angry at my kids until  I see myself in them and instead of a fallible human parent correcting them I have my Father looking at me.  I can only imagine how His heart breaks when I choose to turn the other way, when I choose to hold onto my anger, frustrations, grumpiness.  I am eternally grateful that He loves me like no other, He forgives as no other can and saves me as no one else has ever been able to!

So, next time your kids are driving you batty, not listening and getting on your nerves....see if there is a lesson in there for you too.  I promise, it doesn't make it easier(as I was totally humbled by His lesson for me) but He changed my perspective.  It made me run to Him, holding close, which in turn makes it all worthwhile!

Why I smile :)

The battery in my van died.  It just didn't die once, but repeatedly died after being charged, jumped, letting it run and run, etc.  We didn't have the funding to replace it just yet.....Bethany is sick, started throwing up this morning and is very lethargic, pathetic, plain old sickly.....haven't had a chance to go to the grocery store this week.....Jordan is stuffy, could be headed towards a yucky cold...and yet.....I am smiling.
This isn't just a "paste the smile on until it's real." thing.  This is a true, deep from within smile.....
We stayed home yesterday because of the van, enjoyed time together to school, clean out the garage and move some furniture out of the garage to a friend's house(blessings on all sides!).  Beautiful weather lead to a picnic full of smiles and laughter.  Walked to Upward practice in the afternoon.  Great day to do it, great conversation with the kids while we walked.
Today, my sweet husband got up early to work on my car, one last attempt to not replace it but fix it.  Alas, it didn't work, but I got paid yesterday(which I forgot about) so the battery will be paid for :)  My girl got sick while he was on his way to the store...so he picked up all the stuff we needed for the day(lunch, sick things, etc) so I wouldn't have to go out later.  What an amazing blessing to not have to take a sicky out!  He also picked up breakfast for me, comforting me with what he knows I like :)  While he was at the store, the boys made chocolate chip pancakes by themselves as I cared for the girl.  Their sweet time together is something I will cherish....the messy kitchen a moment to teach through.
The van now works, so if we have to go to the doctor or somewhere like that we will be able to.  I have cancelled tomorrow mornings activities for us.....this gives up three mornings to be home, resting, schooling, cleaning.  Catching up on home life!
Now how can I look at His hand working in my life, providing things I need before I know I will need them and not just smile :)
Jer. 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
He is in it all, I choose to see and, Lord willing, thank Him in every situation! :)

Multitude Monday

I haven't numbered my multitudes....I haven't kept track....and it is ok :)

Thankful for homeschooling...no matter how hard
Thankful for kids....even the annoying ones ;)
Thankful for healthy foods
Thankful for kids would love healthy food
Thankful for computers
Thankful for phones....keeping me in touch with friends far away
Thankful for typing lessons for the kids
Thankful for tutors
Thankful for the lessons Christ teaches me through my kids
Thankful for the comfort of my bed
Thankful for the availability of a doctor when I need it
Thankful for a car....especially when it works
Thankful for the realization that the day is going haywire and why
Thankful for opportunities to share Christ
Thankful for opportunities to share His love
Thankful for friends
Thankful for family
Thankful for work
Thankful that I am not washing a mound of clothes by hand!
Thankful that I have time to sit and write this list.
Thankful that as I write, the annoying parts of the day begin to fall into the proper order
Thankful that that order means they don't even need to be noticed
Thankful for mercy, grace and love
Thankful for my daughter's favorite friend, Nancy :)
Thankful for work.....no matter how hard.
Thankful for the reminder from myself(ha ha) to look up not around and to stay focused on Him
Thankful for the desire to garden
Thankful that it is a challenge.....perseverance in action!
Thankful for my man of God....such a gift.
Thankful for challenges
Thankful for life
Thankful for the bravery of friends as they rely on Christ
Thankful for the piano....even when it is too loud for me :)
Thankful for my church family
Thankful for by Bible study sisters
Just plain thankful! :)

longing to look

Studying Peter currently.  Last week we ended with 1Peter 1:10-12- "The prophets who told us this was coming asked a lot of questions about this gift of life God was preparing. The Messiah's Spirit let them in on some of it—that the Messiah would experience suffering, followed by glory. They clamored to know who and when. All they were told was that they were serving you, you who by orders from heaven have now heard for yourselves—through the Holy Spirit—the Message of those prophecies fulfilled. Do you realize how fortunate you are? Angels would have given anything to be in on this! "
So the last part about the angels in the New King James reads "Things which angels desire to look into."  another translation says "long to look into."
It is so funny, in the not funny ha ha way, to see myself and many others take His gift for granted.  When I accepted Christ, I longed to know Him more.  I often long to know Him more but then I allow life to take over.  I allow myself to be distracted.  Truly that is what we all do when we become distracted....we have allowed ourselves to stop hearing the still small voice that calls us to Him.  I am fortunate...Peter says it plainly....kinda reminds me of my kids.  I can't tell you how many times I have said "Do you know how lucky you are....Do you know how blessed you are.....how blessed our family is?!?!"  Now His word again, uses my words to my kids to say to my heart "you too are blessed and fortunate....what are you doing being unkind or selfish or any of the other many things you do that displease me?"   I am thankful I serve the God of all creation.  I am thankful He loves me deeply, forgives me mightily and that I don't have to long to be in on it, I CAN be in on it!
The angels would give anything, desire and long to look into these things.  It's a short blog today for this has stuck with me since last week.



If angels long to be in on this, shouldn't I long to stay close, stay near?

Christmas Miracle

Now I know we are into another year, full of promise, newness and goodwill.  However, I would be remiss if I didn't write about my own personal Christmas miracle!
It started as most Sunday morning prep work for preschool starts.  More holes than expected, more people not well, more needs I can't fill on my own.  If you are thinking I am feeling badly about this, I do not.  I know this is an area that the Lord has used to grow my faith and I know these children will be taught because we don't rely on flesh but on Him who is able to supply all our needs.
Anyway, I digress.  There are several young people, either college or high school, that help out in time of need but alas they were all to be out of town or just not able to help this second Sunday of the month.  I woke that morning knowing I would be needing several workers.  I specifically gave this morning to my Father, all that would be all that was for His glory, His use and asked for ways to show His love to the little people and adults too(of course). 
This morning I went to our youth pastor Ryan and asked if he had any students that would be willing to help.  He asked how many(I said 4) and that he would see what he could do.  I went back to checking attendance records and passing out snack and praying for the people I would need.  10:15 rolled around, that is the time we like the extended workers to be there to allow the Sunday school teachers to get to church, and I began thinking through the rooms. 
All of the sudden I look up and my little preschool foyer has SIX teenage girls, yes, I said S I X girls ready and willing to go wherever they were needed.  Their attitudes were those willing and wanting to serve, their hearts ready to go wherever needed.  It was AMAZING!!!!  As I watched them pile in and look at me, waiting for direction I knew right then and there this was really and truly a Christmas miracle.  Do not think I am saying this lightly I know we usually mean the gift of Christ as a Christmas gift and He is the most important Gift ever.  This morning though the need was great for our preschool department, the response even greater!  We had MORE help than we needed.  I walked around with a smile the rest of the morning. I told them all thank you, I told Ryan thank you....it just didn't seem enough though.  It still amazes me that He opens the floodgates and pours out unique blessing for His children.  So, merry Christmas even with Christmas day officially over for another year, and I hope your life is full of little Christmas miracles year all year round!

The little people in my life

Today's multitude Monday thought is on my kids. Not just my own kids but the ones the Lord has placed in my life and my kid's lives.

I am thankful for my 10 year old boy. Strong, learning to be courageous, follower of Christ. Curious, studious, easy to teach. Slightly bossy(ha), impulsive, too sensitive at times. Gentle heart, amazing artist, wonderful writer. Tall, handsome, shy, intriguing.

I am thankful for my 8 year old. Tough, sympathetic, caring. Giving, people pleaser, loving. Quick temper, quick to be unkind, holds grudges(and holds them and holds them and holds them). Story teller, sports boy, snuggler, lover of Christ. Tall, handsome, not shy at all, amazing.

I am thankful for the 5 year old..... Amazing, playful, seeker. Fun, imaginative, content. Disobedient, pusher of boundaries, seeker of her own way. Loving, snuggler, learner of Christ. Beautiful, tall, opinionated, fascinating :)

I am thankful for another set of three..... 8- friend to my boy. Playmate, best buddy, confidant. 6- friend to my boys, loyal, ready to play. 2- fun, loving, silly.

I am thankful for a big "kid"..... Tall, handsome, willing to help. Smart, loyal, fun. The "girls" love him!

I am thankful for yet another set of 3.......13- sensitive, trying to make her way holding to Him, funny, so easy to mess with! 8-she may be 9, I apologize! always ready with a hug, easy smile, fun to be around. 4- a mess, silly, sweet.

I am thankful for 2 special friends...... 11- beautiful, fun, genuine, sweet. 6- goofy, playful, kind.

I am thankful for 2 other special friends......14- funny, beautiful inside and out, partner in crime :) 4- best little friend to my little one, sweet, ready to play, not ready for overnighters though :)

I am thankful for 2 more of the girls in our lives......12- compassionate, kind, gentle, sweet, funny, amazing young woman of God. 9- impulsive, daring, caring, sharing, prayerful, silly, joyful, giggly seeker of His truth. For these two I will always have a special treasure in my heart.

I am thankful for another big kid........13- patient, creative, fun, seeker of who Christ wants her to be.

I am thankful for 2 friends hours away......8- tall, beautiful inside and out, growing in grace. 6- love bug!, playful, truth teller and truth seeker.

The list could go on and on but I must go get dinner prepared now. Know that I am eternally thankful for each child that enters our life, either to stretch my kids and myself or to be a comfort for a season or a lifetime to them. I prayed before they were born they would have great friends and as they get older and expand their boundaries He has given them just what they needed each moment.

I know I am thankful for the childhood friends I have, even when we only lived in an area for a moment. Each friendship has value and eternal consequence....I pray each child that comes through my children's lives will be positively impacted for Christ through us as well.

So with that I say goodnight and thank you to all who make up my childhood friend list, those who I still call friend now, and those who are part of my children's friend lists now.