To struggle

At times, I struggle.  I struggle with feelings of inadequacy, of inability, and of incompetence.  Why....because I am a human being that is flawed.

Tonight I am thankful for a Savior that was as human as me yet was not flawed in any way.  I'm so very thankful that I have a Bible I am free to read and memorize and hold dear with no thoughts of my safety in such endeavor.  I'm thankful for Him.
I'm thankful for my kids.  I can laugh and cry all within an hour.  They are marvelous beings! 
Yep, I fail them....I fail Him...but His grace is sufficient and mercies are new every day.  He teaches, we learn.  He speaks, I listen.
I'm thankful for LearningRx and Ms. Sue our tutor.  My boy is getting there.  His writing is improving, his reading while still choppy is coming along. 
I have described these weeks with Jared as possibly turning a corner....who knew the corner was to the worlds largest building with the worlds widest corners...he he he!
I am thankful for the ability to teach my kids.  Every few months I allow this area to become a foothold in my life to begin to tear down the work the Lord has done in my life.  I will even admit to looking around and (dare I say it) comparing my kids and my teaching style to the rest.....anyone know what happens when this is done?
Jesus tells the parable of the worker in the field.  One started first thing in the morning for a set price.  A few hours later another is hired...for the same price.  A few hours later, yet another comes alongside to work....for the same price.  This goes on and on.  When the day is done there are some disgruntled workers.  I don't even have to imagine what the conversation was because my kids have been in similar situations and voiced all  the same frustrations.  It's not fair, I worked longer/harder/better...  (To read the actual words go to Matthew 20....the above paragraph is my own paraphrase.)Jesus responds with this:

¹³ “But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? ¹⁴ Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you. ¹⁵ Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?’
Matthew 20:13-15 


When I compare what I have or do with that of my friend or acquaintance(or total stranger, the silliest of all since I know nothing of that person's story or life experiences)  I forget His goodness.  I look away from His brilliance.  I tell Him that His goodness must not be enough or that His hands aren't strong enough to fix things(that one hurts to admit....much less type).  I miss His blessing...like this breath...and this one...and...OK, sorry I was getting carried away.  I move away from who He is molding me to be and ask for my dirty filthy rags back(if only for a moment) shrugging of the robes of righteousness He surrounded me with when I came to know Him as Savior.  
The "why me" game is an ugly game and only the one that is out to destroy and devour us wins.  
For only reasons Christ knows I am in this very spot at this very time to glorify Him through everything I do. 


So, I am thankful that with this feeling of not being good enough comes the reminder that He is more than just good enough AND has given me the ability to do better....through Him.
I am thankful that my incompetence can only mean that His competence in EVERY area shines through and whatever I do well I only do well because of Him and His great love for me.  I just need to seek Him.
I am thankful that my inability means His ability will lead me.  He will call me to things I am not the best at and teach me, guide me, grow me, stretch me....change me.  I need only to be still, listen, and know that He is God.


I will take this moment to revel in my humanness...but not because I like these feelings.  Not because it pleases me to recognize my faults but because it allows me to point to Him.  It reminds me that my worth is in Him(isn't that what I have been telling my kids for some time now....I can be slow you know ;)  ), it can't be measured by this world nor should it be.  The standards set before me by anyone other than Christ are not my goal.  
With this I am off to read a bit and sleep.  Praying whoever needed this reminder as much as I did will find it at just the right moment.  Anything useful  found within this blog is only because of my Best Friend who gives me the words. :)  Have you met Him?

Some days I feel as though I am constantly correcting behavior.  Constantly stepping in to frustrating situations.  Constantly disciplining in hopes for internal changes to take place in my kids minds and hearts.  And yet....it doesn't always happen like that.....
I have been dealing with my oldest son going through some growing up.  He's not even a teenager, people!!  How did he get to be almost as tall as me?  How did he become a young man when just yesterday it seemed like he was a sweet little toddler? Oh my heart aches.  Not because I don't like where he is now but because I know our time together, like it is now, is short.  It gets shorter and shorter with each moment.
We have been talking about internal vs. external changes alot too.  Noooooo, not the physical changes the body goes through...ha ha ha ha, that's not for a blog posting you know! ;)  I mean the "I will act this way so I stay out of trouble" vs "I want to be this way to please Christ" stuff.
I have found myself saying...often...you have chosen a consequence for your actions but I know this is just external.  The first time I said it I think the boys both looked at me like I was crazy.  But the more we talked or the more I had to follow through with a consequence they got it.  Kind of....
So my oldest told me today he would obey but only because he doesn't want the consequence.  Maybe I should have been excited.  Maybe I should have said "Wooo Hooo!"  Maybe...but I wasn't.  In fact, I was downright sad. 
I looked at my sweet firstborn and all I could say/think was this: Your desire to obey should come from a deep longing to obey Christ.  The desire to obey me shouldn't be because you don't want to get in trouble but because you desperately want to follow Christ!
Maybe he got it, maybe he didn't.  I do know that this same message isn't just for him. It's for me...you...any Christ follower around.  I want to obey out of a heart full of love and gratitude.  I want to seek Him first.  I want to be consumed by His love so much so that it exudes from my every pore!  I want to follow Him!!
You are following someone every moment of your life...as am I....who will you follow and why? :)

And we are off....

Christmas has gone....New Year celebrations are over.....memories made and shared with friends....and so begins another year.  This new time is here, new lessons for me....yet the same.....nothing is new under the sun you know.

This year I am being pulled out.  Why, I don't know....how, nope...don't have an answer for that one either. All I know is that my Lord is pulling me out of many things I think are my favorite things....this is exciting...unnerving....and I won't lie, a little frustrating at times.  I like plans, I like order, I like to know what is coming or at least know a bit of what is coming.  But this time around, I know only that His path for me is not one I have seen before.  Nothing familiar here.  And it is good.  It is good because I know my Savior loves me...I know my ways aren't even a smidge close to His ways...I know because He is good.

So, to prepare(HA) I made meals.  Seems so small but in our busy lives I want to do something.  Something that honors the food He has provided....something healthier than the ever present and easy fast food world we live in.....something that is less likely to pad my backside...he he he.....something to provide family time together between lessons, games, practice, tutoring, training, work, you know....the little things. :)

Jared's lessons start in earnest this week.  We did begin before our break time but will begin 3 days a week this week.  He is learning already and retaining some.  He has already talked to his trainer about Jesus....about his desire to sing in a band one day....singing songs about Christ.  He has talked about church with her.  He has shared an amazing blessing from Christ with her(but that blessing is for another post).  I am praying his joy in all things God shares with him continues and that his trainer see Christ shining through all of us!

The New Routine

I will be changing up my blog for a bit.  You see we are starting a new program with my middle kid.  We are trying out a program that could mean huge gains for him and a huge leap in his reading and learning in general.   I decided to use my blog to document the process....listing the ups and downs and everything in between.  A way for me to see where this new journey will take us and what the Lord would have us learn from it all.  So without further ado I give you......The New Routine

We go today to solidify Jared's schedule.  He will finish up a couple of tests and they will introduce him to his trainer.  The center is 30-45 minutes from our house.  We will do this three times a week.  I have apparently mentioned several times the distance because Jared mentioned how far it was last night before bed.  It wasn't in an excited, happy way.  It was more of an "annoyed at the drive" way.  He also mentioned he didn't like the test he had to take, it was too hard but perked up a bit when I mentioned he was meeting his trainer....he is such a people person :)  He is beginning to see that we are doing lots of "extra" stuff for him.  Not sure if it bothers him yet or not.  I am praying he continues to think this is a fun place to go.  I know the work will be hard, I know it will challenge him....I also know that the reward for this challenge could be no more issues with reading AND he will be on grade level in every area of his schooling!!!

I have been selling Oreo balls to go towards the expense.  I know it won't add much to the bottom line but I feel like I'm doing something to help...every little bit counts and all that stuff.  It has been a blessing to be able to do this and to have my friends and my hubby's coworkers "order" a batch or two.  I have been so impressed with my hubby.  He is like an advertisement and cheerleader for me everywhere he goes.  It is such a blessing to have his encouragement! We will be making changes in our lives too.  We will be saving as much as well can...not doing some things we are all accustom to doing.  I think these things(won't even call them sacrifices) we enhance our lives.  It will make us(specifically me) think before we spend....it will require that I be more organized(and I could use it!) in my meal planning and help us to be thankful for every little thing in our lives.  I say this but we will see how long I hold this opinion when it gets super busy, I haven't had the time to run to the store, no one has eaten, I have forgotten to pack lunches....etc, etc, etc   :)

Since we haven't started going 3x a week yet it will be interesting to see how it goes.  I am excited at the possiblilties...I am concerned with making sure we honor Christ with our money and keep this paid off........I am hopeful......I know the Lord has gone before us and knows what this jouney holds.  He has already shown me in several ways His hand in this.  He is in control.  He has the plan.  My prayer is that we would prayerfully take His steps in our lives.....His longings becoming our longings and that every hour we are at the center we would shine Christ's love to all those around us!

So join us in our tromp through Jacksonville!  Walk with us, pray with us, pray for us and we will do the same for you! :) 

Christ's reminders

I have a child that learns differently.  I have a child that hates that he can't do things easily.  I have a child that struggles with reading.
I struggle for him. I also try to make things easier for him.  But by doing so he doesn't have to strive and rely on Christ.  So, I have backed off of this, this year.
It is hard.  It hurts.  It makes my heart hurt and makes me so sad.
Today is that kind of day.  A "d" day as we call them.  Frustration leads to anger, anger leads to temper, temper leads to the dark side...he he he, couldn't help but to throw a Star Wars-like list in there.

Today this is what the Lord told me about my son....and in turn myself.
Remind him his worth is in Me.  I am bigger than everything.  Remind him that My truth is the only Truth. I always tell the truth because I am THE Truth.  Remind him that there are lies out there.  There is a father of lies.  Remind him that I am stronger!  I Am.  Remind him, when thoughts of worthlessness come.....throw them out in My name.  He is beautiful, precious, and perfect for what I have created him to be.
Remind him of My love...My plan....My strength...My might...My joy in him....My joy in his life...in his heart for me....in his heart for the people I have placed in his life that only he can reach in HIS WAY for me because I knew he would be able to....

These are his reminders....but they are also my reminders....self doubt, frustrations, feelings of incompetence, invisibility, as if it all doesn't matter.....are lies and I will be relying only on THE GREAT I AM.... praying you are too!  :)

It's the Middle of the Night

October 2005
It's the middle of the night...I should be sleeping.
Instead, I am up with this amazing little creature.
Her hands are perfect, feet as well...sweet little ball of baby.
She is hungry, needs to be changed...something....in the middle of the night.
Oh, the sweet quiet time...
Oh, the sweet alone time...
Oh, the sweet time to pray specifically for all the Lord brings to mind....
Oh, the sweet time!

October 2011
It's the middle of the night....I should be sleeping.
Instead, I am up with this amazing girl.
She is coughing....a bunch.
She needs a drink, a hug, a snuggle...something...in the middle of the night.
I am tired....it is late....I should be sleeping....but
Oh, the sweet quiet time with her little arm flung around my neck...
Oh, the sweet alone time- just me and my girl...whispers and smiles and snuggles....
Oh, the sweet time spent praying for wellness, friends, family, sleep, anything else the Lord brings to mind....
Oh, the sweet time!
It's the middle of the night...I should be sleeping....but I wouldn't have it any other way :)

The drive

My sweet middle child is ill.  I usually notice when they are about to get sick, not so with this one.  He was playing Star Wars one minute and laying on the floor complaining of his head hurting the next.  After a fearful trip to the doctor's office I brought him back home and watched as the fever would not come down and my child was more and more miserable.  After talking with the nurse from his doctor's office and see the fever and headache take over we headed to the er.  Usually Eddie and I go together for these visits.  We even have a "usual" way we do things, sad but true.  This time my oldest, not being fully awake, was not in favor of being pulled out of his bed and asked that Eddie stay home.
Here's the thing, I HATE night driving.  I do not enjoy parking garages and I have issues being in the dark, in a parking garage with only my child with me. :)  Shocking I know that I have issues.  But off we went.
All afternoon I had been having a silent conversation with the Lord.  Things like "Lord, I am concerned help me to know when to go to the doctor."  Next thing I know he is complaining that it hurt to put his head to his chest...to the office we went.  I asked for concrete things to look for so I could know, since I was now battling mommy emotions.  As we drove down Kingsley Ave. I continued my ongoing chat.  "Lord, I know it's not a big deal to do this without Eddie, but I really don't like driving alone."  My sweet Savior then made me smile.  As if to usher me through, the light turned green immediately.  This didn't happen once or twice but many times.  My trip down to Wolfson's continued to be a sweet time of Christ saying to me "Silly girl, I love you and you are never alone."  What a beautiful thing!
As we waiting(a total of 5 hours) I began getting impatient, shocking I know.  I began to mentally complain about the hard chairs, the loooong wait and how tired I was.  Knowing this wasn't beneficially I began looking for God's goodness.  Of course it is there for the finding.  Our nurse was kind, efficient and helpful.  We didn't have to come in contact with any of the kids that were vomiting(there were lots) The staff that cleans is very quick to clean each room after the family leaves, for me and my germ issues this was great.  There was a woman who scrubbed each room's floor even, LOVE that.  I have the ability to go to an er and wait to see a dr, that is a thankful moment in itself.  Jared slept, a needed and thankful thing!  I have a new phone so I could text updates to my family and friends and see who was praying for us on facebook, those prayers were a necessity for me.  When the doctor finally came in he was great!  He took time to listen to both myself and Jared.  He took the time to check out all issues and spent a great amount of time talking with us.  As a side note, he and his wife also homeschool just neat, that's all.  He mirrored my desire to not over medicate just get the fever under control and explained what to look for in the headache and such.
Remember earlier I noted how much I don't like parking garages in the dark?  Well by the time we left, the birds were chirping and it was beginning to get light!  Yep, I didn't have to walk through the dark but  the dusky morning light to get to my car in the garage. :)
Jared is still sick, head still hurts so badly he doesn't want to move, fever still high.  But, God is good all the time.  He is in the details, He is the big picture and He cares about each moment of our lives!  So while we deal with the round of whatever this is I know my Saviour has a plan even in my drive. :)