At times, I struggle. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy, of inability, and of incompetence. Why....because I am a human being that is flawed.
Tonight I am thankful for a Savior that was as human as me yet was not flawed in any way. I'm so very thankful that I have a Bible I am free to read and memorize and hold dear with no thoughts of my safety in such endeavor. I'm thankful for Him.
I'm thankful for my kids. I can laugh and cry all within an hour. They are marvelous beings!
Yep, I fail them....I fail Him...but His grace is sufficient and mercies are new every day. He teaches, we learn. He speaks, I listen.
I'm thankful for LearningRx and Ms. Sue our tutor. My boy is getting there. His writing is improving, his reading while still choppy is coming along.
I have described these weeks with Jared as possibly turning a corner....who knew the corner was to the worlds largest building with the worlds widest corners...he he he!
I am thankful for the ability to teach my kids. Every few months I allow this area to become a foothold in my life to begin to tear down the work the Lord has done in my life. I will even admit to looking around and (dare I say it) comparing my kids and my teaching style to the rest.....anyone know what happens when this is done?
Jesus tells the parable of the worker in the field. One started first thing in the morning for a set price. A few hours later another is hired...for the same price. A few hours later, yet another comes alongside to work....for the same price. This goes on and on. When the day is done there are some disgruntled workers. I don't even have to imagine what the conversation was because my kids have been in similar situations and voiced all the same frustrations. It's not fair, I worked longer/harder/better... (To read the actual words go to Matthew 20....the above paragraph is my own paraphrase.)Jesus responds with this:
13 “But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? 14 Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you. 15 Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?’
Matthew 20:13-15
When I compare what I have or do with that of my friend or acquaintance(or total stranger, the silliest of all since I know nothing of that person's story or life experiences) I forget His goodness. I look away from His brilliance. I tell Him that His goodness must not be enough or that His hands aren't strong enough to fix things(that one hurts to admit....much less type). I miss His blessing...like this breath...and this one...and...OK, sorry I was getting carried away. I move away from who He is molding me to be and ask for my dirty filthy rags back(if only for a moment) shrugging of the robes of righteousness He surrounded me with when I came to know Him as Savior.
The "why me" game is an ugly game and only the one that is out to destroy and devour us wins.
For only reasons Christ knows I am in this very spot at this very time to glorify Him through everything I do.
So, I am thankful that with this feeling of not being good enough comes the reminder that He is more than just good enough AND has given me the ability to do better....through Him.
I am thankful that my incompetence can only mean that His competence in EVERY area shines through and whatever I do well I only do well because of Him and His great love for me. I just need to seek Him.
I am thankful that my inability means His ability will lead me. He will call me to things I am not the best at and teach me, guide me, grow me, stretch me....change me. I need only to be still, listen, and know that He is God.
I will take this moment to revel in my humanness...but not because I like these feelings. Not because it pleases me to recognize my faults but because it allows me to point to Him. It reminds me that my worth is in Him(isn't that what I have been telling my kids for some time now....I can be slow you know ;) ), it can't be measured by this world nor should it be. The standards set before me by anyone other than Christ are not my goal.
With this I am off to read a bit and sleep. Praying whoever needed this reminder as much as I did will find it at just the right moment. Anything useful found within this blog is only because of my Best Friend who gives me the words. :) Have you met Him?
yes. sometimes i'm there. and i always return to John 15:5.
ReplyDelete“I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing...."
it's a life verse for me; in that your post is a Sacred echo... and i can hear Paul too:
for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. (Phil 2:13)
Now may the God of peace who brought up our Lord Jesus from the dead, that great Shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, make you complete in every good work to do His will, working in you what is well pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. (Heb 13:20-21)
truly, Amen. (: